Christmas time

I have tried to figure out how to load pictures to this page from my iPad for at least an hour and I am destined to never figure it out:) so I finally get a pic uploaded and then the font is all so crazy, so we will see how this post turns out....I had a fabulous time being with my family this weekend- my nieces and nephew were giddy with anticipation for Santa to visit, my parents were gracious hosts to the whirlwind weekend of visitors, my sisters are always so fabulous, and my brother in laws were champs for playing trivia( which I did not answer one question right, yet the girls still won, admit it Derrick, haha!)  I have been giving Matt a hard time about his lack of Christmas spirit, no fear he wore an ensemble of bright red pants and a tacky green sweater to my parents house.... "you want Christmas spirit, I will show you Christmas spirit!" :) I am thankful for my spectacular family.  I am pleased how much progress I have made in this whole "baby step healing process." Thinking back to thanksgiving holiday and comparing it to how I feel now- what a difference!!! I still have the random stomach pains, an occasional old lady  wobble, some dark circles beneath my eyes, but I am on my way to being my old self again:) Cheers to remembering the true reason for the Christmas season, gearing up to going back to work (fingers crossed in about a week!!!!), and complete healing! Merry Christmas!
So the pictures never uploaded and the font is still crazy:)  I will do some tutorials and then be able to show off my adorable nephews and nieces, Matt and his sweater, and my beautiful sisters! Xo

One month

It is crazy to think that I have been home for a whole month! A month of pajamas, tv watching, doctors appointments, family, friends, and healing! I actually went to the gym with Matt tonight... Walked on the treadmill for a whole 45 min:)  It was seriously at the speed that my grandmother and her walker could have kept up with, but I guess I have to start somewhere:) It felt great to get a tad sweaty and somewhat back to being normal, but ask me tomorrow and I probably be so sore I won't be able to move!
I had a moment today of feeling sorry for myself as this ostomy bag started leaking after only being on one day...  I totally picked the wrong person to complain to: Matt and his response "you could have a leaky ostomy bag and stage IV cancer." Nothing like reality to realize this ostomy ordeal isn't so bad!
I did some present wrapping this evening and it only makes me more giddy to see my whole entire family this weekend!!!! The new goal: to actual be able to play instead of laying in my Dad's recliner the whole time and to have some red wine with my Mom and sisters! Cheers!
*thanks for the continued love and prayers of complete healing!

Delinquent

Yes, I am a delinquent..., I told myself that I would update more, and here it is almost a week since the last update.  I went back to the doctor on Thursday for a quick checkup...incision looks good, draining minimally, ileostomy is a ok, pain control is in check (still moving like an old lady, wobbling around), and most exciting: I got the ok to drive! When I asked Dr. Pelta if I could drive, he responding with "could you drive well before surgery?" Matt said no..  Jokes all around:) I mean I have only ever hit stationary objects:)

I'm thankful for friends who drive way south to visit with me only to turn around and drive back north to their original destination, for a fresh hairstyle and color by one of my closest friends (I mean I have no idea why my hair was so unhealthy and grays sprouting up everywhere?!?!?!) I'm thankful for cards in the mail with subway surprises, and always thankful for the oh so many prayers.  I was re -reading some of the cards that I received while I was in the hospital and it makes me realize how lucky I am: for my loving family, my supportive friends, my awesome coworkers and bosses, and even friends of my sisters who sent notes just to let me know they were praying for me.  Somedays I try and piece my hospital stay together, but realize that some things are just a blur ( probably better that way). I continue to thank God for the life he chose for me, for the people he surrounded me with, for the courage and strength to fight this cancer mess and to heal.

Drain free!

Short and sweet... 

Finally got the drain out of my butt (the last time I had one removed I was sedated, which made it a whole lot more tolerable!!!) BUT it is out! I also got the Picc line out and they stopped the Hyperal! So no more lab draws= no more home health:) I go back to Dr. Pelta's on Thursday for a follow up appointment and then a radiology exam in a couple of weeks to check out this anastamosis.  So, things are going in the right direction, just slowly! 

Went to dinner last night with some friends, the first time that I put real clothes and boots on and even some make-up! One of my friends even said I look "normal" so I guess that is a good thing.  Ha! This diet that I'm on is ridiculous! I miss salads, fresh fruit, veggies, wheat bread...my sister did say that this is the only time in my life where it is ok to eat white bread, hamburger helper, pizza, chicken fingers, mashed potatoes, and French fries on a weekly basis.  I feel like this it most likely the diet of my nieces and nephew minus hotdogs:) 

I continue to be grateful for all of the love, prayers, and well wishes!

Debacle

Today I had my first experience with home healthcare.... I say experience, yet that word could be interchanged with debacle or cluster.  Two nurses showed up, one wearing warmup pants and a tank top with a shirt over it, neither with name tags. Where did the professionalism go? Is it appropriate for them to use my bathroom?!?! To wash your hands before you touch me: yes, to actually use the bathroom: no.  I'm pretty sure my jaw hit the floor when I heard the toilet flush. My picc line wouldn't draw back blood for my labs, flushes fine, but no blood.  Their response: we didn't bring any supplies to stick you since you have a picc line. Really???? In my head I was thanking God that Matt was sleeping (working the nightshift gig) and that my Dad was golfing because I'm pretty sure they would have imploded. My Mom and I just kept looking at each other with that look of "you have to be kidding me?!?" Before they left she took my blood pressure and pulse and then informed me that my hr of 104 was elevated.  I was thinking that was pretty good considering the situation.  :) Needless to say I left a message for Dr. Pelta's nurse saying that we have to rid this home healthcare mess.
Some of my girlfriends came to visit on Friday-what breaths of fresh air my friends are.  It was nice to chat about stuff other than medicine, hospital jazz, or how I was feeling.  I'm on the road to feeling like a normal human again(with an ostomy, a dressing on my abdomen, and a drain in my butt) but I'm moving around better, taking less pain meds, and eating slightly more.
The next entry, fingers crossed, I will be drain less and maybe even dancing a little. ;) new goal: able to go to the falcons vs. giants game in a couple of weeks...I can't bare to look at Matt's sad face if we have to miss out on another game! Ha (Thanks Cathryn for selling our saints tickets)
Cheers to online Christmas shopping, wearing pajamas till 2013, and complete healing!

Staple free

I went to the doctor on Monday morning for my first follow-up appointment.  They took the staples out of my midline incision and said it was healing well.  The drain that is sitting at the site of my anastamosis ( which starts in my right butt cheek- totally awesome in a sarcastic tone) is still in place, draining a small amount of merky pond water like output.  (Dr. Pelta will evaluate it next Wednesday) I'm still on TPN at night. I'm so trying to eat, but not too much sounds appetizing.  I did accomplish 3 chicken fingers the other night, and I felt like I needed a standing ovation:) Im still waiting on the day that I wake up and I'm starving, craving specific foods.  I have had two people tell me that my "stoma is beautiful." 1. I'm pretty sure I have never ever referenced a stoma as beautiful 2. In my mind it is still somewhat odd that I have a stoma, none the less, I guess if I have to have one, I want it to be beautiful!  I am feeling better day by day, yet who knew that a shower or a car ride could totally wipe me out?!?
I have had soooooo many people love on me and my family this last month, which I am so thankful for.  I had the sweetest surprise when I was in the hospital- one of the respiratory therapists had an art auction to raise money for me and accumulating hospital bills. Tasha brought me an envelope with the money she raised, a water color that she painted, and a glimpse of sunshine when I was feeling really down in the dumps. I am so thankful for her, her friends that supported her and me as well, the other nurses who donated pieces of art, and all who bought the awesome pieces of work! I'm a pretty lucky girl to have such awesome friends!!!
This past weekend I got to play, when I say play I mean sit in my Dad's recliner, with my whole family. My nephews and nieces make me laugh and are some really cool kids.  I am so, so thankful for my family.
So, here we go, I continue to pray for full and complete healing, sunny days, and to be thankful for the blessings in my life.

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...it's learning to dance in the rain"-unknown

Home, sweet home...

It was so weird riding home on Monday afternoon, like I totally lost 3 weeks! The leaves were all different colors, the sky was more gray, everything looked different....needless to say I am ecstatic to be home!!! I'm pretty positive I used all the hot water as I stood in the shower for the first time in weeks! It does feel odd to just sit, moving from the couch to the bed and back and forth; I guess it is the nurse in me that is having a hard time letting people take care of me and everything around the house. I still remind myself that it is baby steps....as long as they are in the right direction than I will take the incredible small steps to healing.
I have so much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.  I am thankful that my parents came and sat with me everyday while I was in the hospital; walking laps with me around the ICU, washing my hair, etc. I know I have said it before, but my parents really are pretty awesome people, I'm pretty lucky to have them as my mom and dad.  I am thankful for Matt. He stayed every night with me at the hospital sleeping on a cot, holding my hand, he even helped me shave my legs(now that's a trooper). I'm a lucky girl that he loves me so much. My sisters are fabulous...Megan, Anita, and Teresa pretty much rock:) they came to sit with me, chatted with me, texted me when they weren't there, updated the blog...I pretty much adore them, thankful to have them as my sisters and friends.  I am thankful for my ICU family.  I work with some awesome RNs who took great care of me. They went above and beyond, not only with me, but making sure my family was ok as well.  I have some great surgeons- Dr.Pelta, Dr.Stevens, Dr.Redden, Dr.Ramsay, Dr. Wood (I'm sure I'm forgetting somebody) who cared so much about me and my outcome.  You could see it on their face how much concern they had for me when they checked on me multiple times a day. I am thankful for their steady hands and kind hearts. I am so thankful for all the sweet cards, balloons, flowers, fuzzy socks, gifts, and prayers. Thank you for the prayers and well wishes. Cheers to continued healing!

Home!

Kara is HOME!!!

...more to come soon.

Bieber Fever

Today was classified as "better" for Kara.  She was wheeled outside for a little sunshine this afternoon- she'll be at the beach in no time!  Her white blood count was back in the normal range and her pain level was tolerable for most of the morning and early afternoon.   Unfortunately, she still has no appetite or desire for food.   Kind of puts things in perspective as we approach Thanksgiving this week- forget the food smorgasboard...we are thankful for many things!  Hopefully tomorrow she will receive a good report and a plan/goal to go home.

Best part of my day...Kara texted:  "Justin Bieber is a tool bag"  Yes ma'am...she's coming around!

Weekend Warrior

Kara is fighting!  Unfortunately nausea is rearing its ugly head.  She is walking, talking, and trying to eat against the stomach "ugh" feeling.  She is receiving IV nutrition at night, but working really hard to attempt food during the day.  I wish there was some way to just *snap* and all would be good for Kara, but right now she is trucking away...have to remember baby steps and big picture!

Tomorrow...

...is another day.  Kara had 2 of the 3 drains removed this morning. The site around her anastomosis is still showing the contrast, so that drain will remain.  The white blood count rollercoaster continues as her numbers were up again this morning.  Frustration, to say the least.   She is battling nausea like a champ.  It's a tough, tough fight! 


“This is my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, Love to complete your life.”

Title?

I'm running out of thoughtful titles...so here goes:
Upon Kara's request, short and sweet. to the point.
Thursday= No longer on the PCA (pain med pump) - working on oral pain medication.  Tough to do on an empty stomach! She is still receiving nutrition through an IV, and will begin to transition away from all IV's tonight and tomorrow.  Tomorrow morning they will do a drain study...if all is ok, the drains will be removed.  She is still fighting queasiness and increased pain when moving around.  Overall, things are looking up! Kara has a list of challenges to overcome before she will be discharged, so please pray for an appetite and continued healing... she's a trooper :)

Dance!

Today was a better day for Kara.  She was able to eat...the menu = gatorade, a popsicle, half a jello, and a saltine.  Progress! She also walked a few times.  So, she is moving in the right direction again.  Her white blood count was lower and overall she was feeling a little better today.  Keeping positive!

Two Week Update

Two steps forward...AND...a step back.  Today was a frustrating and painful day for Kara.  The CT scan yesterday did reveal fluid in her abdomen, so she was back in IR this morning to have a drain placed.  Unfortunately, THREE drains had to be placed in different locations.  She is back on oxygen and still experiencing pain in her back and ribs- which they are linking to muscle spasms at this point. So...yeah... hard to believe it was two weeks ago when all these shenanigans started!  Everyone was hoping she would be home and on the way to recovery by now.  Kara said, "something's gotta' give..."    We are reminding ourselves to be grateful and striving for the promise of full healing.

  

It was good...

I asked Kara what she wanted in her blog today and she said "It was good...just say I had a good day."  Which is pretty awesome- especially considering where she was just a week ago!  Kara was talkative today, completed a big loop around the entire floor, and ate some ice chips with a side of water.  It was fun to converse with her this afternoon- saw a little bit of that fire coming back.  A hint of sarcasm and some humor made my day.  They removed her catheter this morning and she slept much better last night.  The only setback was her white blood count shot higher today.  She had another CT scan late this afternoon to hopefully rule out any infection or abscess.  If there is evidence, she will have to go back to radiology to have another drain placed.

Tubes!

The endless tubes are continuing to disappear!  Today they removed the NG tube in Kara's nose and she came off full-time oxygen.  They were going to remove the drain in her hip tonight as well.  She said the multiple laps yesterday may have been a bit too much because she did not sleep well last night.  The chair was her home for most of the day as she is still fighting pain especially in her chest and shoulders.   The next few days will be challenging as she attempts some clear liquids and eventually soft foods.

Continued prayers!  Hopefully Kara will be feeling up to par soon - then we can hear her side of the story on this site :)

Cankle-free

Happy to report that Kara is cankle-free today :) A lot of the swelling in her feet and hands has subsided and she was pleased to see her ankle bones again.  She made the ICU loop (2 laps at a time!) multiple times today and is resting easier in the chair, rather than the bed.  Kara is still very uncomfortable taking deep breaths, experiencing pain in her chest and back, as well as the abdomen.  We are hopeful that the tube can be removed from her nose tomorrow as the next step in her progress.  She has a terribly sore throat which is not encouraging her to be very talkative- especially in her sleepy state.  Please send positive vibes to Kara as the days continue to rack up in the hospital...

Sunshine!

Kara made 2 victory laps around the ICU today- it's quite a process to get her unhooked, detangled, and out of bed...but the workout is intense and hopefully helping her get better.  Good news= her white blood count is finally back to normal numbers, and her breathing shows slight improvement today  (still has a ways to go with that).  She is very tired...healing is hard work. 

The most exciting part of today had to be Kara's field trip!  The nurses wheeled her outside for a brief glimpse of the sun and to breathe some fresh air...best of all- Matt brought Lilly (the infamous white boxer) to say hello, too.  So, baby steps...one day at a time.

Marathon

Late post for today...
Kara had another exhausting day.   This morning she sat in a chair for quite a while, and this evening she walked a lap around the ICU- big improvement from the last few days!  She even had a cheering section for the final turn.  Her current big challenge is working on the breathing treatments.  Due to her immobility, several surgeries, and fighting off infection, Kara needs to consistently work on breathing to clear her lungs of fluid and maximize their use.

Thank you for lifting Kara up in prayer- our family feels the power, too! 

Day #1: Part 2

Good morning-
Today starts as Day #1 again in post-surgery recovery.  Kara had a stable night and all her vitals are still good.  She will keep the tube in her nose to help with stomach drainage and nausea.  They have her set up with the PCA (pain med pump) and she will stay in the ICU at least through today.  She is talking a little bit and mostly resting.  Fortunately, she doesn't remember much from the last few days!

*UPDATE*
Kara sat in a chair for a while, but sleep was her top venture of the day.   She is lucky to have such skilled and compassionate coworkers in the ICU.  I can speak for Kara and her family - we are grateful and appreciative of each person's kindness and gentle care.  It's a tough, ironic twist for Kara to be the patient.  Please continue to pray with us in thanksgiving and for strength and patience in this long journey. 

Baby steps...big picture.

One Week Update

Kara did well last night- all vitals are good.   The surgeon plans to repair the tear today, probably late this afternoon.  She will stay intubated and sedated until after the operation.  Prayers for a safe and successful surgery!

We'll keep you posted...

*UPDATE*

6:45 pm : Kara went in to surgery around 3:30 this afternoon.  They repaired the tear and said everything looks good!  She will be extubated and stay in the ICU again tonight (keeping the tube in her nose for now).  If all goes well, Kara will return to a private room tomorrow afternoon.  Once stable, she will begin the process again of slowly adding nutrition.  All her vitals are looking good...

Thank you for continued prayers- especially that antibiotics will continue to knock out the infection!

Day #6: One to Remember

Ok...so this is a tough one to even write...

Today started off fairly well for Kara.  After an exam this morning, a small hole was confirmed at the site where the colon was reconnected.  She had a pic line put in (to avoid having more IV lines and for access to draw blood), and was scheduled for surgery tomorrow (Tuesday) morning to have the hole repaired. 

Shortly before noon Kara started experiencing sudden sharp and radiating pain throughout her abdomen.  The pain was drastic and stronger than anything she'd ever felt before.  Various consults, medicines, and xrays followed as the pain did not cease.  Thankfully, a team was able to give her some relief and help her to breathe a little easier.  About 5 pm Kara was taken emergently to the operating room.  The abscess at the site had ruptured and was leaking into her abdominal cavity.  The surgeons cleaned out the drainage and flushed her body with 12 liters of clean fluid.   An ileostomy was created and the original hole in the colon was not repaired at this time.  She will undergo another surgery at a later date when she is more stable.

Tonight Kara is a patient in the ICU where she normally works.  They will keep her intubated and sedated throughout the night and continue to drain fluid from both her stomach and pelvis.  It was so hard to see her in such pain this afternoon, and then all hooked up this evening.  Although we know that she is in great care in the ICU, we also recognize the need for a bigger hand in her healing.  Please pray for strength, comfort, and recovery.

On a positive note, the oncologist met with Kara this morning.  After conferring with his colleagues and reviewing her pathology reports, the Dr. shared that NO further action is needed at this time in terms of cancer treatment.  Even this afternoon, Kara was positive about undergoing any pain or procedure in exchange for being cancer-free.

Prayers, prayers, prayers...

Happy Birthday, Kara!

Welcome to the dirty thirty :)  Here's hoping for a good day today and many more happy birthdays! In our family we sing all 27 verses of the birthday song...so know we are singing with you and wishing red velvet cake with cream cheese frosting in your near future :)  Love you, Kara!

You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose. 
You're on your own, and you know what you know.
And you are the one who'll decide where you'll go.
Oh the places you'll go!
(Dr. Seuss)

Day #5: Struggle

Today we are reminded that the road to recovery is not always straight... 

Last night Kara was feeling better, even considering some food.  Her temperature was still a cause for concern, so they started her on antibiotics.  After drinking contrast (thankfully not banana or citrus flavored!)  Kara had a CT Scan early this morning/ middle of the night.  The scan revealed an abscess at the site of anastomosis (where the colon was reconnected).  This afternoon she went to interventional radiology where they placed a jp drain to remove the fluid from the site.  The drain remains in place and will be checked again tomorrow.

Due to the inflammation of the colon, Kara is experiencing terrible pain both locally and in her shoulder.  She is not allowed to eat or drink anything now.  She said tonight that she probably wouldn't be having the birthday milkshake she was hoping for tomorrow.

Her discharge date is up in the air dependent on multiple factors.  Because she was awake most of the night due to the procedure and in pain all day, Kara desperately needs some rest.  She is very appreciative of all the kind words, prayers, and gifts, but is requesting no visitors at this time.  We'll keep you posted on her progress tomorrow!

Day #4: Movin' On Up...

...to the 5th floor.  Long day for Kara today- I'll do my best to update using my medical knowledge (gained solidly from my friends on Grey's Anatomy)

• Last night Kara spiked a fever that she's been battling off and on all day.  They checked her white blood count which was slightly elevated, but not too alarming given all the events of the last week.
• They removed some tubes today: first the foley (catheter) this morning and later this afternoon the PCA (pain med pump).  She will continue to receive oral medicine for pain management.
• Unfortunately, Kara still has little to no appetite.  She's attempting some soft/liquid foods and drinks- better tonight than all week!  Hopefully, something will start to sound appealing!
• She has become quite the champion walker of the halls- making more laps around the unit- in her double gown/ fox slipper attire.  Fashionista in motion!
• This afternoon they also did xrays to check for fluid in her lungs- all clear.
• And tonight, Kara is waiting for a CT Scan followup.
• ...all while changing rooms and attempting to occasionally close her eyes. EXHAUSTED!

Although she's not on a schedule, I hope the extra hour tonight will offer Kara a bonus nighttime rest.
More soon-

Day #3

 Another day of attempting to eat, drink, and be merry...

(From Anita via Mom=)
 
A Nice place to be: in someone's thoughts
A Great place to be: in someone's prayers
A Safe place to be: in God's Hands
The very best place to be is in the path of His blessings.

Day #2: Good News!

Although Kara is still feeling pretty rough, she received the best news from the pathology report!  Twenty-eight nodes tested...all negative.  The cancer is considered Stage 1, and gone as far as the surgeon is concerned.  Kara will consult with an oncologist to determine if any followup measures need to be considered.

She was able to walk a couple laps around the floor today, but is still struggling with nausea and pain management.    Clear liquids are the protocol for now, but even that has been a challenge.  Hopefully tonight her headache will ease enough for solid sleep.

Thankful for today's results and hopeful for tomorrow's continued improvement...

He will cover you with His feathers and under His wings you will find refuge.  Psalm 91:4

Day #1

Day #1 Post-Surgery: TOUGH. 

Kara had a rough day today dealing with challenges of nausea and pain management.  Her big goal was to sit in a chair, and that proved to be a daunting task as well. 

A big thank you for all the kind words and gestures...Please continue to pray for her to be able to rest comfortably, and for strength and healing overall.  The title of her blog seems fitting for today's experience, so hopefully tomorrow will be a better day for Kara!

May God heal your body and soul.
May your pain cease,
May your strength increase,
May your fears be released,
May blessings, love, and joy surround you.
Amen.

And breathe...

Hi all!
This is Kara's sister, Megan, reporting in.  Kara's surgery went well today! We met her at the hospital in the dark this morning and monopolized various waiting rooms throughout the day.  A nurse arrived to let us back to see her before it began, and someone said "all of us?" She looked wearily and said "Sure?" ...and then the caravan of 8 paraded behind.  :) We gathered around her bedside, said a quick prayer and shared our hugs and happy thoughts... off she went.

The staff reported in a couple times during the long procedure, and the surgeon was pleased with the results.  He was positive in talking with us afterward about the next few days, too.  Pathology reports will hopefully be back on Friday and then the next course of action will develop from there.  We are very grateful to all the staff at the hospital for being so kind throughout the process (and skilled during the surgery!)  Plus, we know that Kara has a great caretaker around the clock in Matt!

Just want to take this opportunity to share how awesome I think she is...who else would think of everyone else on the eve of such a big day? Who would make sure that her nieces and nephews had their Halloween treats, that her Grandma received a fall bouquet, and that her family and friends were okay?  Kara is a super hero- I'm so lucky to be her sister and proud to be her friend.  Thank you all for your continued thoughts and prayers! We can all share a deep breath for today and look forward to helping her recover one day at a time now.
More soon-
Megan

Tomorrow

It almost seems unreal that tomorrow is surgery day! When we settled on a date at the beginning of October it felt like so far away, a whole 3 weeks to think about having cancer.... But tonight it seems crazy that tomorrow is the day.

I stood in the aisle at Walgreens contemplating which flavor of mag citrate to partake it???Lemon or grape? Seriously, I think I should be choosing between Paulner vs. blue moon vs. Merlot:) but none the less, I am sipping the night away on lemon flavored laxative(thankful it isn't banana). Im getting my mind right, attempting to clear away the anxiety, and doing some last minute downloading of some tunes and packing:)

Tonight I have a long list of prayers.....I am praying for my surgeons to have steady hands, for anesthesia to be smooth, and for recovery not to be too terrible. I'm praying for Matt and his family as they celebrate his grandpa's life today in FL.  I'm praying for my family- they truly are the most awesome people.... I know I'm totally biased, but they seriously are, trust me.

My sisters said they would write tomorrow to update, Matt volunteered, but his spelling is worse than mine:) thank you, thank you, thank you for all of the love, support, thoughts, and prayers.  Tomorrow is step one to becoming cancer free.

"Of course you'll encounter trouble. But behold a God of power who can take any evil and turn it into a door of hope"- Catherine Marshall (taken from a devotional book that my sis Teresa gave me)

Ready

Whewwwww....3 twelve hour shifts, cardio thoracic surgeon appointment, anesthesia preop, human resources paperwork, early voting, car tag and emissions done.....and a nap on the couch...sigh... Summing this up, I'm exhausted, but so ready; ready for Tuesday.

I'm eager to have this tumor removed, have the pathology reports, know the node involvement (fingers crossed NONE),  and figure out the next couple of steps to ditching this cancer! I did the pre-op assessment yesterday morning and twice almost signed in the witness section of the consents... the patient, I am the patient, no longer the nurse.  I keep trying to remember this... But I don't think you are ever not the nurse once you choose that as your profession.  The cardio thoracic surgeon said I am good to go for surgery, watching the incredibly small spot on my lung and going to chat with the oncologist while I am in the hospital about possible need for chemo, etc. 

I asked Megan if this is what it feels like to nest before having a baby....cleaned the whole house last night at 1 o'clock in the morning- scrubbing the shower and doing laundry with glares from the pups. Pretty sure they were trying to figure out what in the world is goin on:) I'm making piles of stuff to pack for the hospital, you know all the essentials, like my ipad, women's health magazine, and my tooth brush, ha....pretty positive I would rather be packing for Jamaica (Matt and I were suppose to leave tomorrow to celebrate our bdays) but know this birthday will be even more awesome if I am free of cancer.  I might need an umbrella in my clear liquids:) 

I am in awe of the support and love from my friends and family.  I have received the sweetest cards from coworkers, packages of peanut butter and wine in the mail, thoughtful cards from my first friend and buddies from college, even a necklace with good luck vibes from a friend from work.....my parents church family is so kind, lifting us up and wrapping their arms around us.  I am so thankful for all the prayers....

Today my Mom gave me a journal of quotes and verses that she started to gather...the very first one:

Always remember you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, smarter than you think, loved more than you know....

Tonight I am ready. I am anxious, eager, and nervous all at the same time, but ready.  

Grateful

These past two weeks have been full of doctor appointments, phone conferences, google researching, tears, smiles, prayers, questions, banana flavored contrast, labs, etc.... I have spent hours trying to figure this all out only to realize that webmd and google don't have all the answers.  I met with the colorectal surgeon (early-thanks to some fabulous surgeons and coworkers that I work with!!) and discussed all the options.  I was totally prepared to chat, to go over the colonoscopy report, to figure out our plan, not so much for a flexible sigmoidoscopy.  Laying there with my knees tucked to my chin, I just closed my eyes and prayed- yet whatever it takes to figure this all out, I am game.

 I had a ct scan of the chest, abdomen, and pelvis on Wednesday October 17th.  Registering at the hospital that I work was awkward and strange. To look down at my wrist and see my name and birthdate on the ID bracelet just didnt seem right or fair, for that matter.  The banana flavored milky, day old pudding consistency, contrast was over the top...Why do they always try and make things banana flavored??? I will vow to never eat a banana flavored Popsicle from this day forth:) An hour later I drank the citrus flavored contrast, because nothing could be as bad as the banana- or it so could be 50 times worse. I attempted to just pinch my nose and throw it back, for some reason it was so much easier to shoot drinks when I was at Locos in Carrollton or at Hepsie Willis while in college:)

I'm not going to lie, I pretty much stalked out my surgeons office on Thursday to get the results. I think I heard their voicemail at least 4 times that day and chatted with the receptionist twice....they probably cringe when they see my cell phone number come up on the caller ID.  My labs were good... The CEA (a cancer antigen marker) was low, my liver is golden, and my blood count was actually normal (probably thanks to quitting my self crusade against meat, Anita).  There is a small, 5mm spot on my left lung in the upper lobe.  The radiologist says it is "questionable" considering my history of colorectal cancer.  Wait history, this is totally present day, right this minute.  The ct also showed a 4cm ascending aortic aneurysm... That's right, an aneurysm.  I'm pretty sure I made the nurse say it like 3 times.  Lets see, I don't smoke, my systolic bp usually runs around 115, no family history, I exercise, eat  healthy (most of the time) so how do I have an aortic aneurysm???? Needless to say that finding got me another doctor appointment scheduled and more quality time with my iPad researching.

Surgery, an anterior resection, is scheduled for October 30th.  Seeing that I have only had my tonsils and adenoids removed as an out patient procedure, I'm somewhat nervous.  As an ICU nurse I see the bad side of abdominal surgeries, so I'm trying to knock that out of my head.

My parents are devastated, which breaks my heart.  I told my mom on the phone the other night that I am spry and can kick this way faster than her or my dad could, so don't wish that it was them.   I pray for their health always, but even more so lately because I know they are so worried- Dad if you are reading this, you need to sleep:) I am lucky to be their daughter.  My sisters are awesome... I love their daily texts and calls, pictures of my nieces and nephews, emojis, and surprise "beef up packages" in the mail. And then there is Matt, he is my hand holder, forehead kisser, tear catcher, best friend.  So tonight I am grateful; grateful for my fabulous family (including my crazy puppies Lilly Monster and Deebo) I am grateful for God surrounding me with such supportive and caring friends and coworkers.  I found this quote the other night, it is totally fitting....you were given this life because you are strong enough to live it....

Disbelief

So, I'm totally new at this whole blogging thing... But I thought this would be a good way to not only update my friends and family, but to have an outlet to try and put in to words this whirlwind of a month and the months to come.  And besides, we can use this for the nitty gritty that nobody wants to chat out loud about, well other than my RN buddies( we can talk about body fluids over lunch). I am so thankful for my awesome parents and sisters ( brothers in laws too), Matt- I cant imagine battling this without him, my wonderful friends, and  supportive bosses and coworkers. I truly am thankful for this life that I was chosen to live and know that God wouldn't give me anything that I can't overcome or handle.... So I'm ready to press on!

A tad bit of background.... I went to my primary care physician for my annual physical in late August.  I had some changes in bowel movements, but honestly thought it was no big deal, change in diet, or ulcerative colitis.  My primary care doctor referred me to a gastroenterologist- who saw me in his office on a Wednesday and I had a colonoscopy that Friday.  

The prep for the colonoscopy was by far worse than the actual scope... One, sedation is a good thing, two I will forever be more sensitive to my patients that are attempting to down that huge bottle of golytely:)  

After the doctor said the word "tumor" I heard very little come out of his mouth, I know he was talking and his lips were moving, yet I couldn't hear anything.  I remember grasping Matt's hand tighter, sobbing,  shivering, and trying to figure out what exactly I was suppose to do next?